It was already the second time. Or maybe third, I cannot remember. What I remember is that the smartest kid in class, Caroline, just would not stop answering the questions from the teacher.
“I knew the answer. I should have raised my hand. It was my answer.” My thoughts.
I just cannot stand every time she answered correctly and got praised. I probably envied her. Seeing people who can speak their thoughts clearly always fascinates me. How about me personally? I was never a talkative person. I cannot remember how or when I became this quiet kid.
For some reason, imagining having pairs of eyes striking straight at you always gives me chills. Every time I have the chance to speak, there will be dolphins inside my belly. Swimming, jumping, laughing.
My heart would beat so fast that I could even hear it myself. The blood would flee from my face, leaving this pale picture for everyone to laugh at. My lips would not even move, and my tongue is tied shut. I just cannot do it.
What if my answer is wrong? Will they assume I am a fool? What if my friend leaves me because I am a fool? What if?
So, I stay quiet. I choose to sit in silence. The world is just better without me trying to intervene in it. I think it was just better for me to be a shadow, being an Omega of the wolf pack. Following an Alpha would not be that bad right? Slowly, I created my own best friend, my doubt.
Time passed by. It was my high school year. Being a teenager, I do not feel any differences. I am still the same kid that would have his own world with his phone when hanging out with friends. I am still that kid who always follows orders. I do not care if people think of me as a nerd, as long as I can avoid the responsibilities of being someone in charge.
I spent most of my time on the basketball team. Having a small body and this personality, it was not a surprise for me to get clowned. Apparently, the good skill was not enough. Without communication, things would never work. Just like what the old man said, humans are social animals. And I, I don’t think I am human enough.
My college year finally come. I joined this major called English Literature; my cousin who graduated from this major lured me to have an interest in this major. The idea of being able to tell your story, hear others’ stories and share visions through words makes me excited. Unlike schools, college is a whole different environment for someone like me. Being able to see and hear people from different backgrounds give me a wider vision of society. Slowly but surely, I begin to lose my old friend, doubt.
Unlike schools, this time when I get the chance to introduce myself, somehow I feel… excited. A strange urge, though. The racing beat of my heart is still the same, but this time I feel at ease. Somehow I feel this is the right place, I can pour the loudness of my mind, at last.
And it did not stop there, I challenge myself further by trying to join a student organization. The thing that I have never done before. The reason was the same as I stated before. To avoid responsibility, to avoid people. Regardless of the doubt, I submitted my Bio to join the organization. My first-ever organization interview went smoothly. Somehow I feel more alive after several words I speak. Self-confidence comes just like that.
“Hey, it was not that bad,” I said to myself.
The sea that I was once afraid of was actually just a pool.
I challenge myself further by joining the presidential election for the student organization I joined. I also got chosen to be the leader of the event for junior and senior high school students. Although I did not win the presidential election and the event I lead was not that successful, I am still proud of myself. My old self would never think I would ever go this far. If I could meet my old self, I think I will tell him:
“Sometimes to stay alive, you got to kill your mind”
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